The Pace of Forgiveness
(adapted/updated from my 2012 February Broadcaster article)
Becoming a parent has to be classified as one of the most life-changing and most beautiful experiences in existence. Not only has God given a parent a precious, unique child to enjoy and love, but he has also given that parent a child to nurture, feed, assist, and teach biblical truths along the way. Having a child is one of the most difficult but one of the most rewarding blessings God has given in life; the key is learning to develop these other relationships while remaining busy as a parent: loving your spouse, connecting with friends and church family, and serving others. The word "balance" comes into play and takes on new meaning, especially because "balance" is a word one soon learns to respect! No parent is called to be perfect in these transitions; no parent is expected to balance everything just right. That would be unfair and illogical. But there is an absolute expectation that must accompany all relationships, regardless of how many new ones you add to your life. Let me first share a bit more background.
I love my bride, Mandi, but imperfectly at best. Prayers and God's grace led me to her on May 2, 2005 and we began our marital journey of learning what it means to share life as two-becoming-one. Then, on April 29, 2011, little Finleigh Ann came into our world and we have never been the same! She is growing up right before our eyes and she is learning something new, virtually on a daily basis. Both Mommy and Daddy are proud of these new changes, but also nostalgic of early years gone by. She is growing up, and while we prepare for our 10-year-old to become a pre-teen (I can't believe I'm writing that!), Mandi and I have learned about the pace of forgiveness in our marriage.
What is the "pace of forgiveness" after all? This is not a phrase I found in a book or I have heard on the internet; rather, it's something I have coined to express what I am continually learning as a husband. If any person is married, or is in a committed relationship of some sort, it is safe to say that there will be moments when a couple disagrees. Husband and wife will not see eye to eye; soon, arguments ensue. Sometimes feelings get hurt and then an argument turns into a stalemate. When two people who love one another are at odds, life is far from harmonious! In fact, when either spouse insists on being right or verbally flings words which are hurtful, then a choice must be made.
"How am I going to make this right again? What must I do to restore this relationship and reconcile this brokenness--first in me and then in us?"
At some point, for couples who are in Christ, these are the real questions of our hearts. As a married couple who also parents, it is imperative to ask for forgiveness as well as forgive...and to do so quickly! This is what I mean by the "pace of forgiveness." We don't have time to be at odds with one another while taking care of a baby. We have to insist on working together and that means forgiveness must happen quickly and often. Are Mandi and I the best at this? No. Do we always want to forgive quickly? No, not all the time. Here it must also be said that there are moments when a relationship needs to process the hurt/pain in order that forgiveness be meted out authentically and not artificially. But the lesson we continue to learn as parents is that our marriage relationship is essential in our collective relationship we share with our daughter. We are not called to forgive quickly just because we have a child but primarily because the lifeblood of our marriage depends on it! And frankly, if Christ is not called upon to intervene, our relationships with Christ suffer and then everything else falls apart. When we truly forgive, from our hearts, and attempt to walk in repentance in our relationships, God is glorified and marriages and families become stronger in the process.
This happens with all kinds of relationships, not just marriages. Let's face it...sometimes it's hard to forgive someone quickly, let alone forgive someone at all who has offended us, hurt us, or sinned against us in some way! But forgiveness ought to be the cornerstone of a Christian's life. Without forgiveness, and without forgiving others quickly our hearts become hardened, our feelings pull us away from the truth of God's Son (who gave us forgiveness through the cross), and bitterness and resentment take root in our souls. This is exactly where the Enemy wants us to be...he puts lies in our hearts and hopes we will take the bait of bitterness and anger, tempting us to separate from the relationships that he knows are Christ-honoring. This is Satan's ploy: "If I can get them to develop an unforgiving spirit and divide their hearts, then they will be least effective for God's Kingdom purposes."
I don't want that spirit of unforgiveness to fester in our hearts. I don't want any relationship that is built on Christ to falter from a result of choosing not to forgive. And I don't want us to tarry when it comes to forgiveness. The rate of forgiveness must be quickly and often--but authentic and genuine! Our relationships at home are at stake...we must forgive quickly. Our relationships at school are at stake...we must forgive quickly. Our relationships at work are at stake...we must forgive quickly. Our relationships at church are at stake...we must forgive quickly. Our relationship with Christ is at stake...we must ask for forgiveness quickly.
Therefore, we must remember, at all times, this humble pace of forgiveness.
The beautiful part is God chooses to forgive quickly too! In fact, God goes the extra mile and forgets our sins if we are faithful to confess them: "I, I am He who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins" (Isa. 43:25, NRSV). God is gracious in his forgiveness and his standard for forgiving others is His Son, Jesus Christ. We are not being the children of God when our feelings, our rationale, or our justifications are more important than the relationship that is at stake. When we seek to forgive and to be forgiven we are demonstrating the power of the Messiah's sacrifice on the cross at Calvary. There is no greater love than a love that lays itself down for its friends. This love is forgiving, this love forgives quickly, and this divine forgiveness cancels debts and remembers them no more!
How would the church look today if the body of Christ forgave each other and asked for forgiveness from brothers and sisters, quickly and often? How would our hearts be changed if they were all surrendered to the power of Christ to forgive others from their sins? When we consider, just for a moment, how sinful we are as individuals, how we have turned our backs on Christ, how we have sinned against him in the past, and how our tendency is to sin against him in the future, then why do we have a tough time forgiving others quickly and often who suffer from the same sinful decisions as we do? This means that when people lie to us, when people steal from us, when people slander us, when people carelessly make decisions that destroy our courage, we are called to forgive these people quickly, not because they deserve it, but in light of the fact that they don't deserve it! This is the part where grace comes in. Grace that is greater than all our sin allows for us as the body to do supernatural things that the natural world would never do. So we love the unlovely. We pray for the unbelieving. We show mercy to the merciless. We forgive the unforgiving.
In all these things we become more than conquerors through Him who loves us. When we trust the blood of Christ to forgive others, and we don't trust our own power to forgive, we begin to understand why we are different from the world and why others are drawn to that Spirit of forgiveness in the body of Christ.
Finleigh has been an instrument of God's grace in Mandi's and my life, helping us see Jesus in our marriage. So when Mandi and I are at odds with each other and need forgiveness, Finleigh will observe whether or not we choose to do this quickly or not. Since Finleigh will be privy to our discussions and disagreements in the present and in the future, shouldn't that also be a helpful reminder that God is waiting for us to genuinely forgive, and do it soon, so that relationships can be restored? Shouldn't we choose to forgive so that our hearts can be set free? Mustn't we choose to forgive so that Jesus can shine through our brokenness and impact others, too?
Perhaps no one will ask you what the "pace of forgiveness" is this month of February. But in some conversation, perhaps in some unique experience, I hope God will use this truth to challenge you to look at forgiveness according to its need for speed (with the caveat to pursue genuine forgiveness in the least amount of time). Let us forgive quickly and let us ask for forgiveness quickly. As the body of Christ, nothing speaks to the communion table more than when we are canceling each other's debts out of love for God and his child. I know I need to ask God to help me forgive quickly and often--every single day. Hopefully that is a trait God is developing in both you and me, especially as we enter into February 2022 and beyond.
So with this knowledge of the "pace of forgiveness" in your minds and even more so in your hearts, remember that a Valentine's Day "I love you" won't matter much if the question, "Will you forgive me?" is not asked, and asked often. If your Valentine asks that Godly question, make sure to respond as authentically and as quickly as you can with, "Yes, I forgive you." I can assure you that the love you show your mate or your friend is proportional to the pace of your forgiveness. And when you forgive, honestly and thoroughly (and by God's grace, attitudes and behaviors change along with it), you'll soon find that the peace of your forgiveness is proportional to the pace of your forgiveness!
Thanks be to God who forgave us, genuinely and quickly, when we asked Christ to cancel our sin debts and set us free by grace through faith,
Pastor Will
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